Sun. December 30

As fascinating/interesting as "before and after" weight loss pix are to me, I know that that could never be me. At least, to the extent that most of the pix are.

I have no idea how girls can go from like 275lbs to like 120. I mean, it's not like I actually don't understand, I just can't wrap my mind around it cuz there's no way in hell I could get down to that weight. Honestly, my goal weight would be in the 150's (and I feel like that number isn't giving too much away in regards to my actual weight right now). But short of cancer, anorexia or surgery, I could NEVER get down that low. And I accept that, I'm not bitching here or anything. I just know my limitations. I also know that I'm stronger than I look, so I'm sure a fair percentage of my weight is muscle. I also suspect that I am legit big boned. And that's not an excuse. It just seems that based on the width of my wrist bone(s) and ribcage, I may have a larger skeletal structure than most women. I dunno. I might bring this up with my doctor next time I see her.
 
Anyway, on to other things. I bought (another) 4 half price chocolate oranges and a 400g chocolate almond bar. However, I have not touched them. A friend shared a little of his chocolate with me this weekend and there have been a couple trips to Tim Horton's for cookies, but I didn't have any of the other stuff even though I wanted it. Baby steps, I guess. I'm just gonna add them to my goodie hoard and try to forget about it til after Cuba.

Also, as much as I don't like to "follow the crowd", I'm definitely gonna need to get it together after New Years. Gotta schedule in a good amount of work outs, eat more fruits and veggies and try to "cheat" less. I've been trying to make small improvements this weekend, but come Tuesday morning, I gotta go all or nothing. Maybe I'll even take a "before" pic in a bikini... even though I'll never share it with anyone. haha

Ok, that's all. Maybe I'll go compile a 2013 Goal/To Do list and post it later. Later peoples. : )

I could totally live with this.

Wed. December 26

Gonna keep this short, cuz I'm kinda tired but I just wanted to check in.

So, I'm not gonna try to name off every last thing that I ate, but wasn't good. Went to Mandarin on Monday, but didn't get as full as I usually do. I didn't eat any less than I usually do though. Had some sweets at my Oma's afterwards. Snacked on cookies, chocolate, chocolate covered caramel corn and whatnot on XMas day before the actual dinner (where I only had one plate of turkey, potatoes, peas and gravy) followed by cake and more goodies. And then I started today with cookies and chocolate, had all you can eat ribs (which was my only proper "meal" of the day) and had a little more cookies and chocolate.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days and I'm a little scared to. May just bite the bullet and do it tomorrow, but I may also wait til January. lol

Honestly, right now I could totally go for a big glass of water and some hearty chicken soup or something like that. I can't wait to get back to eating "normally". I haven't been feeling like crap, per se, but I know I'm not up to par. On top of which Cuba is the next big "event" coming up and I swear to God I am not walking around in a bikini like the fat piece of shit I am right now.

Anyway, bed time now. Still trying to catch up for the sleep I've missed out on for the last couple nights.

Sat. December 15

I don't want to use the word depressed cuz I feel that's a kind of severe word for the situation, but that's sorta how I feel.

A friend is having a small BDay party in Barrie and I'm not there. It's not that I'm busy or whatever, it's just all the way in Barrie. Now, if I could drive myself, I'd totally make the trip, but I can't and I feel really guilty asking my dad to take basically 4 hours out of his time when he's already got enough on his plate with XMas and whatnot. I also have another friend whom I kinda have plans with and whom I'd like to think would miss me if we weren't hanging out for the rest of the night but, honestly, he probably couldn't care less. I really wanted to go though and I'm bordering on tears, but this is the decision I've made and I'm gonna have to live with it.

On the food forefront, I'm not particularly hungry, but I dunno if this emotion is going to make me want to eat to feel better or if I'm gonna lose my appetite for the rest of the evening. I kinda feel like I won't eat much else tonight, which is probably for best cuz all I've had to eat is crap. On top of which, I hardly went to the gym this past week and with about 60 days til Cuba, I've actually put weight on.

I know that this is just a small portion of today and I'll get over this feeling, but it's tiny moments like these where I feel it's good that I have family whom I know would miss me and that I can't wait to eventually become a mom. Otherwise, I see little to no point of me actually being "here". No reason to get worried or anything though. Like I said, this is all temporary. Just little things I think about.

Tue. December 11

Gah, FML!

So, of the 5 weekdays I had off last week, I went to the gym 4 times. According to my heart rate monitor, I burned 1000 cals in about an hour and a half each time. However, my weight didn't really go down that much. I think I may have even put a little bit on. Can't remember for sure; I think my mind is trying to forget it out of shame and frustration.

There was a little turn of events with the reno at my work, so I ended up with this full week off too. And today is the 2nd weekday and I have not been to the gym once. I had a tattoo appointment during the early afternoon (will post pix later) and then ended up having dinner with a friend instead of gyming in the evening yesterday. And today, I was babysitting and then gave blood in the evening, so that kinda ruled out today. I think I'll be able to make it for the next 3 days though. At least I'll try. I'm going dancing with a friend tomorrow night, so that should burn some cals either way.

There's a tanning place right beside the blood clinic in the mall and they had a sign out about some aloe vera wrap treatment that claims it can help you shrink between 6 and 20 inches in a single wrap. I got a pamphlet on it and read it and it seems interesting. I didn't found out how much it costs, but if it's a decent price, I'll try anything once. They offer free consultations, so maybe I'll get one and take it from there. Maybe losing several inches will be a good kick in the pants.

I'm also thinking I should really have an only fruit and veggies day soon, just to cleanse myself a little. And I need to get back into drinking Crystal Light. I haven't had it in a while.
So, ya, that's all for now.

Sun. December 2

(Blogging 2 days in a row? Oh em gee! lol)

K, so, I don’t want to use the word epiphany cuz that’s not right, but I had a… thought.

I was at a grocery store last night with a friend and we happened to walk down the pop aisle and it was pretty picked over cuz there was a sale on (2L bottles). There were several bottles of Fresca left and, I have no idea why, I was compelled to look at the nutritional value. And it claimed to have 0 cals per serving. I coulda sworn it would’ve had about the same cals as a Coke or Sprite (maybe less), but I had no idea it was 0 cal. It made me want to buy it and my friend said “go for it”, but I countered with “noooo, but it’s pop”. It even said on the label “zero-calorie soda”.

Now, I haven’t had pop since February ‘11; partly cuz it’s a healthy decision and partly cuz it’s fun to tell people “I don’t drink pop” and have them look at you like you’re crazy. lol. Buuuuut the thought has crossed my mind to drink diet pops again cuz I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t “drink your calories”, but these drinks have next to no cals. So, here are all the points to consider…

- Diet pops have no calories, but is it really worth it if they taste crappy and watered down? I’d almost rather have a Coke with all the flavour and cals than some blah Diet Coke

-In my mind, I consider Fruitopia and Iced Tea pop. I don’t consider Gatorade or juices pop though, even though they have similar cals and sugar levels and I would still drink those beverages (not so much the Gatorade though).

- I’m not really concerned with aspartame or low cal fake sugars cuz I drink Crystal Light (which obviously contains that) and I consider that ok.

So, ya, bit of a personal dilemma. Gonna have to think it over and maybe make Fresca a once in a while thing. I’ll see. 

Sat. December 1

I dunno why I always leave posting updates til it's pretty late and I'm really tired. Oh well.

So, today was the first of 12 days off from work. All I did today was get snakebite piercings and then go to a Toronto Marlies hockey game right after. Didn't really make great food choices or get that much physical activity (if you don't count yelling and getting antsy at the hockey players, lol). Tomorrow probably won't be a good day either, but come Monday, I really want to be hitting up the gym every (week)day. Maybe twice on some days, if a friend decides to go later in the evening. I picked up some more yogurt and fruit, so I should be ok on the food front. I just need to make sure I can kick and re-motivate my ass everyday. Cuba is less than 80 days from now.

Here's a pic of my snakebites.