Sat. January 11

I'm really struggling with a lot of random thoughts at the moment.

First off, I'm obviously worried about the whole weight thing. I know it's a process, I didn't put it on overnight, I won't lose it overnight, I'm just worried about plateauing or gaining. I've been super faithful to the challenge. Not perfect, but still really good. Been working out. No chocolates, no pastries, etc. I've just heard that your body can get too accustomed to a low cal diet and then you stop losing weight. I'm sure that I'm fat enough that that won't be an issue, but it's still worrisome. And then I'm worried about worrying cuz I know that that can make you put on weight too. Ugh, God damn. I probably need to just relax and trust that things will be ok.

I also have a lot of "messed up" thoughts per se. Nothing too weird or sadistic or whatever. I just feel like I have a very overactive imagination and I'm forever going over various scenarios pertaining to things going on in my life. Just to clarify, I have hypothetical verbal confrontations with people who have fucked me over in the past. Like, I plan what I'll say to them if and when the moment presents itself, and also if I should be the one to go to them first. And I think I have a problem with letting things go. Like grudges and events and things that have been said to me, even from years ago. I don't forgive people, like, ever. Someone accidentally bumps into me on the street and says sorry, that's fine, but if you've screwed me over ever, no way. I personally know that staying mad at someone is exhausting (in more ways than one), but I feel like if I just forgive and forget, the other person has "won". And I have a few more minor issues that I should probably talk to a professional about, but I don't wanna be psychoanalyzed and I'm not crazy, so that's not happening. As bad as it sounds, I feel like I just need more (or better) friends that I can use as sounding boards. For a different perspective and just to get things off my chest.

Anyway, that's all. Just gonna try to enjoy the rest of my weekend and make sure I keep on track.

That's me. Not fat jokes, plz. lol